“To be independent doesn’t mean a career for everyone.”

Yes, I went through graduate school, wanting to be a therapist… to talk to people and help them process “the big elephant”. But, I don’t want that today, not as badly as I wanted it seventeen years ago.

Quite frankly, I don’t have the time. I could make time, but in order to work with families, after-school appointments need to be available, and I can’t do that. I don’t want to. That is my few hours with my boys, where I can collect their thoughts and feelings, catch up on homework, or watch a TV show.

More importantly, I would need a refresher course, brush up on skills, find an internship … and I don’t know if I want to commit through that struggle, AGAIN!

It is frustrating that I wasted seven years of education and tuition money, but I try to remember the life long lessons it taught me.

A degree is an investment I could avail in any direction in future.

***

“People work to finance their hobbies.”

True! I am deeply grateful to a dear friend who pushed me to fill out an application for a substitute teacher. The flexibility to work bare minimum and have enough cash to spend it on my “next big idea” is unbeatable.

One learns a lot from attending school in the shoes of an observer. You are no longer a student. It’s been years since we stepped into a junior high. Plus, our children’s stories about school are their versions of academic institutions. They are in no less of a battle-field for the majority of their day, day after day. There is personal development, peer pressure, social issues, bullying, politics, and violence to name a few. They are fired with so many issues constantly and it is commendable how beautifully they raise above it all.

***

I have spurts of big ideas and projects I want to pursue. There are so many things on the bucket list to try that a girl gotta start from somewhere. How else would I know what is my niche?

Right now, “the big project” is to write and to be recognized for it. Hopefully, make a few dollars through the journey.

Although money is not the most important factor, in today’s world success is only defined in terms of dollars. How much did you make? What do you do for living (financially)? In lamest terms, was your creativity worth someone’s hard-earned money?

Again, when I enrolled in undergrad and then graduate school, what did I achieve? A paper called a degree? I know what my parents and then my husband invested in my education, but how did I return the favor? Why should they have paid thousands of their hard-earned money when they wouldn’t have received anything in return?

Sometimes, I wonder, did I waste it all?

***

I had written poetry and journal entries in younger days, and was looking for a platform to organize it when I came across the idea of a blog. I didn’t know if I wanted to invest in another big idea, what if I don’t write any more, or enough to be worth anybody’s time. But, I was looking for a voice, something to call of my own … an escape route out of mundane dirty dishes and baskets of laundry. I took the plunge and created Chaotic Sanity five years ago.

Then, I realized how soul fueling words were. They were a bandaid over a dark wound. Writing my feelings were somehow heeling, acknowledging how lost and exhausted I was. They were the best friend when I couldn’t call anyone, some one to entrust my vulnerable words with.

Today, I write because it gives me a voice, an identity I can call my own.

[I write on Chaotic Sanity, Medium, and social media… follow us so you don’t miss any content.]

***

I would like to give writing a chance, just as it gave me a chance to re-live day after day. It kept be out of a dark hole. It kept my soul intact. I want to encourage our youth to write more, be expressive. I want to give 100% to this project to see if it was worth a change in someone else.

If it doesn’t work, at least I tried and I can scratch it off the bucket list. Though it would be nice to say my writing was worth someone’s $___ (maybe pay for a vacation or a new gadget).

***

Writing can be exhausting as any other skilled hobby. I try to be consistent in hopes that I may connect with someone else in need of heeling. Though to keep myself sane, I try to remember …

• There will be busy days, days where I would be occupied with a social commitment or an appointment … days where I won’t have time to write, sketch, or craft. And that is okay. I have to allow myself to juggle commitments.

When you’re are in a struggle, remember, it is just one day! And tomorrow will be a new day.

• Allow yourself to have scheduled “no writing” days.

I get so frustrated when I don’t have time for myself. So irritating! I am moody and snappy. It feels like a day wasted, but remember to step back and allow yourself to have a day off. A day to try another hobby, catch a cup of coffee with a friend, go out on a lunch date, walk your dog, something to refresh your soul. A clear head will inspire you to new stories.

Remember, success is what you define it to be.

We want to be acknowledged, heard, accepted but we have to invest in ourselves first. Take care of ourselves, only then we can output something productive.

If you are a struggling writer like myself, know that you are not alone. There is a whole community of like-minded authors waiting to be connected.